Man: Studio "A," this is Master Control.
You're up on router 9 tonight.
Dave: Three minutes in, four minutes live.
Kim: Dan, Casey, to the studio, please.
Dan: I tell you to hit. What do you do? Are you listening to me?
You know, I don't understand the insurance.
You don't have to understand the insurance.
- I just buy the insurance. - Yes, you do.
When did you become the guy who knows mor e than me about blackjack?
I've always been the guy who knew mor e than you about blackjack.
- Always? - Yes.
- Then why do you lose? - I never lose.
You always lose.
I hardly ever lose.
You hardly ever win.
Tonight's diff er ent.
Yeah, I had a hunch.
- I'm in the zone. - There's no zone.
- Ther e's a zone. - There really isn't.
Ther e is a very palpable zone, my f riend,
and I am in it.
Dave: Two minutes in, three minutes live.
Jer emy, check Natalie's shot sheet in the 20s. She got something wrong.
You got something wrong?
Yes, I did, wonder boy, and after the show, I'm gonna kill myself.
Why don't you go play some tennis with your f riends?
How many times do you want me to say, "I'm sorry"?
It's gonna be a f ew mor e times.
We'r e having a little thing.
I've been hearing about it all day.
Teddy, it's a standing two.
Ask them about their running game. Ask them about injuries.
She wanted to go to the movies.
I really have been hearing about it all day.
Dana, can I see you out her e?
Yeah.
What's going on?
I'm shrinking.
- But that's not what I came to tell you. - You'r e shrinking?
Manny measur ed me f or a new suit an hour ago. Turns out I'm shrinking.
Wher e?
- You want to listen to me, or you want to tell your f unny jokes? - I can do both.
Heh. Peter Lasker and Paul Schapp ar e -
- Oh, you'r e kidding. - It's snowing in Pittsburgh.
- Dan and Casey ar e going to Atlantic City. - Not tonight.
Paul and Peter ar e stuck at the airport?
They've been sitting on the tarmac.
Casey and Dan ar e gonna be pr etty mad, Isaac.
You better get in ther e and tell them.
I've decided to let you do it.
Really?
- I'm delegating. - Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Paul and Peter ar e on a tarmac in Pittsburgh.
60 seconds to VTR.
- 90 seconds live. - Stand by, VTR.
- Paul and Peter ar en't gonna make it? - It's snowing.
The guys think they'r e going to Atlantic City.
- Not tonight. - Who's gonna tell them?
Roll VTR.
- I say, "Double down." What do you do? - Can we stop?
- I say, "Double down." What do you do? - How do you know you'r e in the zone?
Cut me.
- Danny, I - - Cut the cards.
9.
Jack.
7.
8.
Queen.
Ace.
Dude, you ar e in the zone.
- I say, "Double down." - Double my ass down.
Fellas, I've got some bad news.
Ther e's no bad news tonight, Natalie.
When the show comes down,
Danny and I ar e hopping in a limo,
heading down the Garden State Parkway,
and getting off at the exit clearly marked "The Zone."
That's gr eat, Casey, but all those things you just said -
- Yeah? - not gonna happen.
Show her the card thing.
Paul and Peter ar e trapped in an airport.
It's snowing in Pittsburgh. You gotta stay and do the "West Coast Update."
Look, I know you guys had your heart set on going to Atlantic City
and that this isn't the first time that this has happened -
- Natalie... - Yeah?
It's no problem.
- It's no problem? - It's no problem.
- You'r e kidding. - Life's like that sometimes, Natalie.
- You can't control the weather. - So you shouldn't worry about it.
- We all work for the same network. - We'r e happy to help out.
I have to say I'm r eally impr essed
with the maturity you two ar e exhibiting right now.
- Part of the job. - Have a good show.
Bites!
It bites hard.
Oh, this bites.
Dave: In 3... 2...
Good evening.
From New York City, I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall.
Those stories, plus a Ryder Cup pr eview and a trip to the Big Sombr ero.
We'll run down how the top draft picks ar e f aring in the big time,
and we'll run up the flag at Gr eensboro.
All that coming up after this.
You'r e watching "Sports Night" on CSC, so stick around.
We're out.
Anyway, l-I r eally appr eciate
the two of you sticking around and filling in.
- It's no problem. - Oh, please.
You think I want to be stuck doing "The 2:00 A.M."?
- This is just a temp gig. - Temp gig?
- A temporary gig. - Thanks.
My stuff's out ther e. I talk to a lot of people.
Just so long as none of them ar e talking back.
CNBC, MSNBC...
- M-O-U-S-E. - Danny...
Well, like she's listening to anybody but herself.
- Even CNN. - No kidding.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, Sally, we'r e sort of
in the middle of a -
what do you call it? -
a national television show.
But we do good work on "The 2:00 A.M."
Sally, we're back in 30, and you're in our shot.
- I have a keen dislike f or that woman. - She's perfectly nice.
She is not perf ectly nice,
and I'd appr eciate a little backup her e.
Can we have a bond over this, please?
Fine. I'll stop thinking Sally is nice
if you'll stop thinking Jer emy is right.
I never said he was right.
- Hey, I'm sitting right her e. - Stay quiet! - Thank you!
Sally, camera 2 has got your butt pr etty well f ramed,
so if you wouldn't mind stepping out of the shot...
Thank you. And be sur e Casey sees your cleavage as you walk out.
There you go.
In 3... 2...
That's all f or us, but don't shed a tear
'cause Casey and I will be back at 2:00 A.M. on this coast, 11:00 P.M. on the left,
subbing in f or Peter Lasker and Paul Schapp on the "West Coast Update."
So don't adjust that dial,
and while we'r e gone, if any talking animals
ask you to buy some tacos or beer,
f or God's sake, do what they tell you.
- You've been watching "Sports Night" on CSC. Have a good night. - Good night, Mom.
We'r e out.
[ Clears throat ] You know, it occurs to me
- we have some time to kill. - Yes.
- And a deck of cards. - Yes!
We've been to the A.T.M.
Some people around her e with a little too much change in their pockets.
- We gotta lighten these f olks up a little bit. - Take 'em off their coin.
You know what they say.
- About what? - About money won.
- What do they say? - I don't know. I'm asking.
They say it's twice as sweet as money earned.
How come you said, "What do they say?"
It was an alley-oop pass. I was dishing you the ball.
You wer e. And I completely missed it.
Well, I was ther e f or the putback.
I wouldn't have been able to do anything with it anyway.
- That's right. - 'Cause I didn't know the expr ession.
Not only that, but it was, like, half an hour ago,
and we'r e still talking about it.
Uh-oh.
You'r e not in the zone anymor e, ar e you?
- Not in the zone. - Lost the zone.
I'm down her e with the r est of you.
Let's play cards. Come on!
Hey, Isaac, you in her e?
Whoa! I can bar ely see you down ther e.
Pr etty f unny coming f rom someone I can fir e any time I like.
I downloaded some stuff on osteoporosis.
- Dana, this is no joke. - I know.
And the good news is it says her e
that osteoporosis isn't an inevitable part of aging as once was thought.
In f act, if you haven't r eached menopause yet - [ Gasps ]
- No, wait. Hold on. - Thank you very much.
Either of you inter ested in participating in the sport of kings?
- We'r e gonna race horses? - We're gonna play poker.
- That's not the sport of kings. - What's the sport of kings?
- Racing horses. - What's poker the sport of?
It's the sport of people who play poker.
- Thank you. - Isaac's shrinking.
Oh, yeah, Dana, I f orgot to ask you - please, spr ead that around.
What do you say? We got nothing to do f or two hours.
$ 10 minimum, 3-raise limit?
- Whatever. - Shoe money tonight!
- Whatever. Isaac? - I'll play a couple hands.
Isaac, I'm gonna bring along this material on shrinking and r ead it aloud as we play
unless you think that's gonna distract you.
No, I just want to make sur e you've got time
to put your r ésumé together and clean out your desk.
He's nuts about me.
It was one night. It was tennis.
It was the only night we had the same night off together
f or, like, two weeks.
We'r e together every night anyway.
At midnight!
We go back to my place or we go back to your place.
We have a lot of sex.
We watch "The 2:00 A.M. Wrap-up."
We go to sleep. We come to work.
What kind of a r elationship is that?
It's working out pr etty well f or me.
It was a joke! I made a joke! I like to make you laugh.
Why? Because I like you very much.
Jer emy, it wasn't the gr eatest joke I've ever heard.
I never said I was opening f or Jack Benny.
- You meant Henny Youngman. - I meant Jack Benny.
Jack Benny plays the clarinet.
Jack Benny plays the violin. For that matter, so does Henny Youngman.
But you'r e thinking of Benny Goodman.
Do you r eally always have to be right?
- No. - Then why ar e you still talking?
- 'Cause I am right. - Could have guessed.
Hey, if we'r e gonna fight, can it not be about Henny Youngman?
We'r e not fighting about Henny Youngman.
We'r e fighting because instead of going to the movies with me,
- you decided to play tennis with Judy Rootie-tootie. - You guys getting all this?
You know someone named Judy Rootie-tootie?
- Judy Reston-Taylor. - The actr ess?
- We went to school together. - I hear she's gr eat in that new thing.
- Thank you, Siskel & Ebert! - Natalie!
Hey, we'r e playing poker in the conf er ence room. You guys in?
Natalie and I can't play.
It's important we spend these pr ecious moments together.
Oh, ther e'll be no pr ecious moments tonight, darling.
- You know what I mean? - I think I do.
- No pr ecious moments of any kind. - I understand.
lf, however, your arrogance extends
to thinking you'r e a better poker player than I am,
you ar e welcome to join me at the card table
so that I can wipe that smug smile off your f ace
and teach you a lesson you so richly deserve.
Natalie, do you even know how to play poker?
The guys at Sigma Kappa Pi
let me play in their poker game any time I wanted.
Now, why do you suppose that was?
'Cause you'r e a knockout and your par ents ar e loaded?
'Cause I got game, baby.
Have you f allen on your head?
Or ar e you just af raid I might humiliate you
and you won't be able to go to Sundance with Judy the ho?
I tell you, Casey, it appears some time has f r eed up in my schedule,
and I just might be able to play cards with you after all.
Rack 'em up, Casey.
That's pool, you mental patient!
- It's gonna be a f un night. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah.
I can't believe how not in the zone I am.
It's r eally pr etty startling how little time it takes
to go f rom being in the zone to being not in the zone.
Yeah.
Tell them about the time I was in the zone.
Ther e was a time he was in the zone.
- Beautif ul. - Yes, it was, but you know what?
- What? - That's yesterday's news. You'r e what was.
Look at your cards and make a bet.
- Fold. - Call.
Shoe money tonight!
- Would you stop that? - Isaac's a little cranky.
It seems when he was growing up, he didn't get enough calcium and vitamin D.
8 - possible flush.
6 - no help. Queen - no help.
Aces bet.
$ 10.
- Natalie... - $ 10.
Don't you think you owe me enough money?
I was taught to play poker by the boys of Sigma Kappa Pi.
I'm doin' fine.
Natalie, you owe me, like, $700,000.
I'm basically your landlord at this point.
Stop playing!
Jealous of the f rat boys?
Ther e ar e times you'r e not that easy to love.
How ar e my guys?
Us?
We ar e putting together a gr eat show f or you guys.
- Good. - Well, "great" is relative. It's just "The 2:00 A.M."
On your show, though, man, I could really do my thing - I mean let it fly!
Sally, can I talk to you a second?
- Guess ther e's only one Dana Whitaker, though. - Sally.
I have a hunch Dana's about to make that point right now.
Pair of kings.
- Trip aces. - Ahh.
Straight to the jack.
- Can I say something? - Sur e.
Of my entir e roster of boyf riends,
and it is, believe me, quite the lengthy list,
you ar e my least f avorite.
Hey, I'm just happy to be on the team.
On segments 10, 12, and... 13 -
I r eally don't want to get into a little thing with you.
No, you r eally don't. On segments 10, 12, and 13 -
No, l-I'm just saying "The 2:00 A.M." is my show.
- And you do a good job. - Yeah, I'm not staying ther e f or ever, Dana.
I have got people talking to me - MSNBC -
Sally, I don't r eally car e that much about your lif e.
Well, look who's the belle of the ball.
Right. On segments 10, 12, and 13 -
- What about them? - Casey's not gonna want to do it this way.
He likes to br eak up the highlights with f eatur es or r emotes.
- Casey approves your rundowns? - No, but that's me.
We've been working together a r eally long time.
It's like a marriage. He trusts me.
With you - and I hope you don't take this personally -
with you, he's gonna want to approve the rundown.
- He alr eady approved it. - N- he approved it?
- He said it was fine. - He said it was fine?
Well, he didn't r eally look at it,
but he said, "Hey, you'r e the producer. Whatever you think is best."
- Huh. He said that? - Yeah.
Huh. Inter esting. [ Chuckles ]
Can I - do y- can I ask - did he say it like,
[ Nonchalantly ] "Hey, you'r e the producer. Whatever you think is best"
or did he say it like, "You'r e the producer. Whatever you think is best.
"It doesn't r eally matter since I know
Dana's gonna look over the rundown and take car e of it anyway"?
The first one.
[ Laughing ] Oh, inter esting.
You've got a little thing f or Casey, don't you?
I can't tell you how little a thing I don't have.
It's okay. He's very cute.
Recently divorced, makes a ton of money, and I'm sur e he's got good contacts.
You know, I don't mind telling you I could r eally go f or him.
We don't even need to have a r elationship - just the sex and the contacts.
My f riendship with you is the important thing, Dana.
l-I r eally mean that, and I don't want anything to get -
Oh, Sally, I can tell you'r e starting to open up to me a little,
and I think that's gr eat, but I'm pr etty much done talking with you right now.
- We'll have drinks? - Absolutely.
- See ya. - Okay.
Jacks and 4's.
Trip 5's.
Straight.
[ Sighs ]
I know why you'r e beating me so much.
It's 'cause you'r e not a very good poker player.
- That's not why. - It r eally is.
Or isn't it just possible that you'r e sitting in the good chair?!
No. What is possible is that the boys f rom Sigma Kappa Pi
ar e a big honking bunch of losers!
- What did I miss? - Natalie's pretty much divested herself of possessions.
I'm mounting a comeback.
Isaac - did somebody step on Isaac?
Oh, no, ther e you ar e.
- You still work her e? - I'll never leave you, little buddy!
- Casey... - Yep? Ow!
Can I talk to you outside f or a second?
Yes.
- You approved Sally's rundown? - Yeah.
- You approved it? - Yes.
- Just like that, it was approved? - Well, I didn't hold confirmation hearings.
No, you just approved it without even looking at it.
- I never need to approve your rundowns. - That's right.
- I have done something wrong, but f or the lif e of me - - Casey...
- We'r e about to have a little talk, ar en't we? - Oh, yes.
Isn't osteoporosis pr etty common?
Very common, especially among Caucasian women.
- Bummer. - Yes.
What ar e you gonna do with your old suits?
- I was thinking about shoving them up your - - No problem.
I'm taking a br eak if anyone wants my seat.
It's the good chair.
I'm just gonna run to the bathroom.
You want to come with me to the bathroom, Dan?
Why, no, Jer emy, I don't.
You don't want to step outside with me
and talk on our way to the bathroom?
Sur e.
We'r e just stepping out and going to the bathroom.
I didn't r eally have to go to the bathroom.
- Really? - I just wanted to talk.
I don't think anyone saw through your clever ruse.
- I am in the doghouse with Natalie. - Come in my office.
It's a new r elationship. Clearly I've broken some rule that no one ever taught me.
- You played tennis with your f riends instead of going out with her? - Right. Yes.
- And one of those f riends happened to be a beautif ul actr ess? - Yes.
- Dude. - I know.
- You'r e very wise to come to me with this problem. - Thank you.
- Natalie is angry because she doesn't understand a f undamental principle. - What's that?
- The principle? - Yeah.
A man's past is mor e important to him than his f utur e.
Ahh.
- You understand? - No.
- Neither do women. - I know how they feel.
You have to stand firm on this, Jer emy.
Sooner or later she's gonna r ealize she's wrong,
and when she does, you have to stand firm.
You can't f orgive her right away. She needs a little punishment.
- What kind of punishment? - I'd withhold sex.
You would? That sounds like it would be
way worse f or me than it would f or her.
Education isn't easy.
- You don't have any idea what you'r e talking about, do you? - On this, no.
- Part of what you said is true. - Really?
I have to stand firm - not to establish an upper hand but to establish equality.
- Exactly. - We'll have an argument,
and she will take a position that absolutely defies logic.
Now, I have a pr etty healthy r espect f or logic,
but then all she has to do is put on one of my shirts.
- The shirt. - She'll grab a white dr ess shirt f rom my closet.
- You'r e cooked. That's it. - It's over.
- Like bishop to queen's rook 7. - Keep going.
My chess team is playing Lakeland.
I start my match king's pawn 3, king's pawn 3,
bam, bam, bam. All of a sudden, the guy moves bishop to queen's rook 7.
I lost 32 moves later, but I was never even in it.
Right.
And that r elates to Natalie wearing your shirt how?
I have to stand firm. Thank you.
Right.
I have worked very hard over the years
to learn what you like and what you don't like,
what works f or you and what doesn't,
and it's very discouraging to learn it turns out
you've been taking it f or granted.
- I haven't been taking it f or granted. - You've been taking it f or granted.
You think Sally and I operate at the same level,
and since you don't approve my rundowns,
well, then, ther e's no r eason to approve hers.
Sally - you know, Sally? Do you understand what I'm talking about?
- Sally. - Yes.
Let me try this. You ar e so good at your job and Sally is so not that much
that the actual dichotomy -
- the phenomenal - - You'r e pathetic! You know that?
I didn't want to bring this up, but it seems to me -
and I'm just speaking as a f riend -
it seems to me that your jealousy of Sally
doesn't have quite as much to do with her prof essional acumen
as you would lead us to believe.
Whoa, ther e, Huckleberry. Come on back to the stable.
First of all, Sally doesn't have any prof essional acumen,
and second of all, what the hell ar e you talking about?
I'm just saying that it's hard not to notice
that the woman's body was put together
by a technician very close to God.
A technician close to God?
Not God himself, but certainly
a high-level staff person - a senior V.P.
Well, her brain was put together
by the assistant night guy at the 7-Eleven.
Well, maybe so, but I think the source of your problem -
- Is her body?! - Her legs do go all the way down to the floor,
and she's gonna be whispering in my ear
f or 30 minutes.
Well, one of the things she's gonna be whispering
is, "Stand by, 14," which will be
your third straight highlight without a br eak f or a f eatur e.
She's got cameras 2 and 3 as your primaries, Dan's doing the soccer,
and... two of your intros contain puns.
- Puns? - Puns.
- Ther e ar e puns? Puns. - Yes. Bad ones.
- Is ther e such a thing as a good one? - No.
And you'r e not gonna do anything about this?
Well, sorry, pal. "The 2:00 A.M.'s" not my table.
- Help me out. - I'm gonna go play poker.
You'r e gonna go play cards while I'm doing puns on camera 3?
It's time to kick back.
Sally!
Last card.
Who's still alive?
Isaac, Natalie, and Jer emy.
- You give Casey a talking to? - Yes, I did.
He didn't r eally mean anything, Dana.
Bonding.
- I'm sur e he deserved it! - Thank you.
- How you doin', Jer emy? - I can't complain -
- Shut up. - Thank you.
Jeremy, ace bets.
$50.
Fold.
[ Chips clatter ]
- Raise $50. - Natalie...
And then ther e wer e two.
- I've raised you $50. - Natalie, listen to me.
You've lost a lot of money to me tonight.
You'r e basically gonna be living the r est of your lif e
on a charitable grant f rom the Jer emy Goodwin f oundation.
Take the 100 bucks back and f old.
Scar ed?
I've got a straight. You've got thr ee 7's.
- You don't have a straight. - Look at me.
I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.
How do you know I don't have a big house?
A f ull house. Dan alr eady f olded the 6 you needed,
and I have the other one.
You don't have a house of any sort. You don't have a pup tent.
You've got trip 7's, and I have a straight.
I want you to trust me right now.
I want you to say to yourself, "Yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my lif e.
"They wer e stupid, they wer e mean to me, but maybe this one's diff er ent.
"Maybe I should take a chance
and not adopt the 'Br eak up with him bef or e he br eaks my heart' strategy."
I want you to r emember that when I started liking you,
I didn't stop liking tennis,
and I want you to know that I don't think ther e's a woman in the world
that you need to be thr eatened by,
no matter how glamorous you think she is.
But mostly I want you to trust me just once
when I tell you that you have thr ee 7's...
and I have a straight.
You'r e bluffing so hard it's coming out your ears.
Call.
Thr ee 7's.
6, 7, 8, 9 -
and guess what - 5.
That was cool.
- I don't deserve you. - No, you really don't.
I'm sorry.
- I don't think you ar e. - No, I r eally am.
This is gonna take some time.
Maybe you could take me back to your apartment
and I can accelerate the healing process.
No, I don't think so, Natalie. I don't think you should be r ewarded f or your behavior.
Stand tough ther e, Jer emy.
- What are you doing? - He's my boy.
- You'r e his boy? - Yeah, but it's okay.
Natalie, I think it's best if we spend tonight apart.
You'r e probably right.
I've got no clothes at your place anyway,
so I'd just end up having to wear one of your shirts,
and I know how much you hate that.
I was never even in it.
Natalie: Good night, everybody.
- Good night. - Wher e ar e you guys going?
- White dr ess shirt. - Got it.
Jeremy: Have a good show! - We'r e not gonna have a good show.
We'r e gonna have a terrible show.
Dana, you've either got to stand over that woman's shoulder
or you have to call everyone in the Pacific time zone
and tell them I'm not r eally like this.
Oh, the thing is Jer emy's gone now, the cards ar e still hot,
and I'm f eeling like I might be just a little somewher e in the vicinity of the zone,
- and you know what that means? - Please don't say it.
Shoe money tonight!
Dana...
please?
Kim, bring me a copy of "The 2:00 A.M." rundown.
Will, get me shot sheets f or the West Coast hockey.
Elliott, look at V.O.s in the early 20s
and take out all the puns.
5 of clubs,
an ace f or my sexy boss.
Somebody take her money.
No chance, str etch.
Jack of diamonds,
10 of hearts, also known as the Dave of love.
8 of hearts, which is just known as the 8 of hearts.
Aces bet.
[ Rock music plays ]